Banged up in Bangkok

I am less than three days in and recovering from a near - fatal bus crash.  Although I am fighting and resisting writing about this experience, wondering if I am perhaps dwelling on the recent events, thoughts resonate in my mind and I cannot help but recount the reality of what happened.

All 28 crew returned to Dubai and are safe and healthy. Currently, I find myself struggling to move towards authentic gratefulness. I know I will get there, perhaps even as soon as tomorrow, however, at the moment I feel frustrations bordering on anger, admittedly, self - pity and wishing someone would miraculously understand the magnitude and perhaps say some magic words to stifle my fear.

August 28th, 2011, 28 crew endured delays to finally reach our destination; Bangkok. We were more than tired - we were shattered and exhausted after a day in uniform for over 16 hours. We operated a turn- around from Hong Kong to Bangkok. Wonderfully, our transport received us and we slumped happily on our seat en route to our hotel. As usual, there was chatter about the full flight, followed by earphones to the ears, lipstick wiped off faces, and hair loosesend. We were free from the view of the public at airports and passengers who followed us taking pictures.

About 20 to 30 minutes into our blissfull ride to our awaiting bed -  Oh my god, we were sliding! Sideways and out of control as if we were on ice. Worse than that, we were on a vaulted highway in a double decker bus. It was 3:40 am and the rain was pelting down fiercly. It is monsoon season in Thailand.

I felt it, the slow sway, the incorrect slide, immediately and was alarmed with so many thoughts. Initially, there was mild concern as I thought the bus driver hydro-planned but would certainly gain control. Everything was in slow motion. But we nearly tipped and then we fish-tailed towards the other side of the highway. I remember thinking for a split-second that perhaps our driver fell asleep at the wheel, but our driver was trying to compensate for the direction heading towards the edge of this escalated highway where we had no chance of survival. This went on, back and forth in a slow and terrifying, rounded zig zag. Maybe 30 seconds in, I was hoping and praying that he was going to get control. I remember my earphones falling out of my ears, I was listening to french conversation, and I began saying, "no, no, please.....," over and over, very quietly, but audible. We then hit the side of the highway, just lightly enough to send us out of control again, more swiftly and tipping, I began to go into shock. I was SURE there was no chance of anything but disaster. At this time my mind just didn't go to the place of what extent. We, again, swerved to the other side - my side, where I could see the edge coming. I looked out my window seat and saw everything below. The height, the ground so far away. I was so high up and occupying the backseat which was raised higher than all other seats, and being at the aft of the bus I felt every whip of the out of control vehicle. I saw concrete, I saw how high we were up and I felt the speed. I heard gasps and groans and half screams. Now I was clonic. Rigid, waiting, "please just stop!" I wished we would just tip on the highway. I would welcome the injuries. I wanted to just stay on the highway. I begged to "the universe" to spare us and just crash  - please don't go over the edge. Then, we swerved again, and  again and I shut down. We veered again and again. It just went on too long, enough time to realize all that was inevitable. I don't remember how we came to a halt.(We discussed later that we teetered long enough to have lasting effect, equivalent to trauma as if we survived near-death three times over!)  I was confused, as I was sure we should be dead. There was no question. It was surreal. I watched, I felt, I knew. I felt the ridiculous vehicle near- tip - I watched several times as the edge came towards me and promised devastation, promised tipping over the edge to a concrete grave. You might not ever understand and I never want you to. We stopped.....

Moments, after screaming ceased, I realized, I didn't hear them before... just stillness and then I yelled, "Please stop, please let's just stop for awhile...." I was full of panic. I wanted off but wanted to follow colleagues who sat still in their seats. Here we were sprawled across a four lane higway.... Where were other cars - what if we hit another car....? My mind was swimming, my hand was in the colleague's hand beside me. I think tears were in my eyes.... What the fuck just happened....? I didn't want one word spoken to me. I needed to figure out how we were still alive! And I needed to breathe!

Long story, short - we crawled "home" in that hateful bus. No police, no console. We were all in shock. The pilot, Captain, had yelling words with the driver and our amazing Purser, our supervisor. Adam was supportive and I knew we were in good hands. A short time after, we simply kept going to our hotel. We dispersed and some of us met to sip beers - wide eyed and wanting interaction.

I got to my room and proceeded to throw up. I fumbled through my cell phone and attempted to call my mum. I couldn't get through and was thankful as I needed some time to be with my colleagues. We chatted for hours into the early morning, sipping big beers. We had to sleep as we had to operate back home to Dubai that very day. (We sipped beers legally, by the way).

That is that... We woke up and got on the bus and transported to the airport. The driver drove beautifully slow during that rainy, thunder and lightening night. We arrived later than usual and quicky made our way to the gates, and operated our full, demanding flight, as usual.

I feel tension and I feel tears well up as I re-counted the events. I feel strong, though. I am slowly feeling authentic gratitude. I feel that I do not give a shit if I am dwelling a little bit. I am feeling that it is ok that when I re- tell the events, some say, "I would have beat the crap outta that driver". I dismiss that they have no idea as to what it feels like to SEE before your eyes death right in front of you and that that driver who put us in danger, also got us out, due his experience. I know that there are many tiny factors contributing to us being here. Had there been a car in the wrong place, had there been weight of our crew luggage in another spot...? I regress and think about it all before I try and sleep. I go on in my head and am still in awe.

Big breath.... I am home and I had a nice dinner with girlfriends. I wasn't quiet about my episode and after speaking with my mom and spending some time with Monaco, Stephanie, and Jamie. I feel beautiful. Back to almost normal, although, I held Steph's hand during a cab ride... We were travelling too fast... and she knew...  Thank god, thank the universe, or whoever you thank - for beautiful friends!
Thank you for sharing this experience. I look forward to moving FORWARD. I am off to New York - where I feel so alive and can't wait to share happy experiences. I LOVE this city. What I get up to will be shared soon ;)